Kendra | Missing 4 Pieces of Her Heart

Kendra, Wife & Mother, Age 37

"When I had three perfect pregnancies, I didn't think it would happen to me. I really didn't know about miscarriage and what it was all about. May sound dumb to some, but I didn't. I even threw away the miscarriage pamphlet they handed out. Because I didn't even think about it.

I really enjoy being pregnant; the good, the bad and the ugly. If I could, I would have six kids and be a surrogate.

When we found out we were pregnant with our fourth baby, we were so excited! I went on Pinterest and made little fabric pieces and put them on a spool and stamped on them and tied it off with twine to announce it. Little did I know at 10.5, almost 11 weeks, I would lose that baby..and the first piece of my heart.

That was the most heartbreaking, horrific thing I've ever gone through. The things I saw and the amount of blood, was so very sad, and honestly scary. I was scared. I remember that day so vividly.

I wish I could forget it.

My baby died. It was gone.

You think, did I do something? Maybe lifted something that was too heavy, or didn't eat correctly. Did I drink enough water? So many things come to your mind that maybe it was your fault. I believe in God, and feel that baby wasn't perfect and He needed that baby more than us. I didn't like it, but I still had faith that He knew what He was doing.

I was angry, scared, and sad. What if I didn't throw away that pamphlet?

I just want to say, I am so very thankful for our other babies, that's not a question at all. People who know me can see that. But it doesn't make it any easier when a miscarriage happens.

I have now had four..I can't believe that. My most recent was last week, at almost 9 weeks pregnant.

I can think of some things that I am thankful for, because in this I need to see some good. I am thankful I wasn't farther along, that I am alive, and that I got to see the heartbeat at 5 weeks and 6 days. Even though I've had many, I still question it and wonder if people are thinking, "Why can't she keep a baby?" Or other thoughts that people probably aren't even thinking.

I am sad, very sad. I enjoy being pregnant. I feel like I could write a book about what we've gone through. One day, I would like to sit and write it all out and keep it for me.

I do want to say, I have an amazing family. My husband also lost all of those babies, and I am thankful that he helps me get through this. I am thankful for the 4 sweet children I do have (including one rainbow baby), and I am thankful for numerous family and friends. I'm not the only one who goes through this, it affects us all.

I hope by talking about my story, that it'll help another woman speak about her story. It does help to talk about it. My story isn't better or worse than anyone else's, but it is my story.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through."