Why Seeing the Beauty Sucks Sometimes

I am a photographer.

I see the beauty in everything. And I mean..in..everything. Most people would say that's a great thing, and it is..most of the time. 

This morning I was up at 3:00 AM (it's now 5:00 AM). Not because of my 8 week old baby, not because of my 13 month old fighting a double ear infection..but because I couldn't stop thinking about what I was going to photograph today. (Ridiculous, right?)

I don't know what does it. I don't know if it's residual thoughts from a dream or a message sent to my brain from some source in outer space, but when it happens, I know that I am up for the day (even though I went to bed at midnight).

So now I'm up, drinking my coffee, waiting for sunrise to see if the day will bring me the light I desire to take pictures of the randomness that is my life. (Hopefully Harper will do something cute..oh, and Fisher is 2 months old today, so there's that.)

And don't get me started on holidays or birthday parties. 

I just want to enjoy them. I want to be invited to something and leave my camera at home so that I can just be part of the celebration. But then why do I have this big fancy thing?? Yes, it's for "work". But, I love documenting every day too. Okay, so I'll bring it, take a few shots and then put it away.

Right. Even if I were able to just "put it away", I still can't enjoy the party because my brain is going 100 miles an hour thinking, "oh, that would be a great photo!" and, "oh my gosh, do you see the light coming in that window?".

Well, maybe I'll just grab my cellphone and take a few pictures with that. 

Next thing I know, I'm standing on the table trying to get the right angle of the birthday boy blowing out his candles.

Then there's the plague of everyone knowing you did something today, and waiting to see the pictures. Yes, I went to the zoo with my kids..am I allowed to just have fun? Sure. But then why do I feel guilty that I don't have a dozen (usually more) photos documenting our little trip to share with everyone? (Don't worry, there will always be photos.)

The worst is when someone is suffering, like when my son was in the hospital last week. I don't know if it's my way of coping (or maybe just a distraction for a little while), but I have to document it. The raw emotion of when people are at their weakest..I'm drawn to it. (How sick is that, right?)

So, is it all in my head? Probably. Do I mind? Not really. 

Life is beautiful. Every little, random, ridiculous, amazing moment..and I want to photograph it all. (Even if I am usually sleep deprived.)